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January 05, 2012

2011

So I lost 3 pints of blood during surgery on my tonsils on tuesday. When I stood up from the bed after coming out of my drug induced stupor my blood pressure dropped from around 120 to around 60. My vision swam and I remember thinking what if this is it? It sounds incredibly melodramatic but after almost losing my mom during a "simple procedure" last winter it definitely seemed like it was going to happen to me. And what struck me, was did I really want it all to end like this?



I've been in a slump for a while. I'm not going to deny it. The reason this is the first blog entry I've done since October is because I've just been living in a grey ether. Never really happy, never really sad, just melancholic and numb, which is even worse. What makes it the hardest is looking back over 2011, especially the summer of, and seeing just how arrogant and hubristic I was being. Over the summer I felt like I had something to prove, I had to stand up for what I thought was right, at every instance, even if that meant confronting friends or losing a job that I truly and deeply cared about. There is an incredibly power in believing that you are absolutely right in whatever stand you are taking, but there comes a point in which making yourself a martyr isn't worth being completely alone in the process. So I apologize, again, for being like that.

But once the summer ended with a deafening crash I had to pick up the pieces and start all over. And when October rolled around and I got sick (my strep throat that lasted til December) I lost all my energy and momentum because all my energy went into fighting this infection. Which by the way, when I got them out they were apparently the biggest the anesthesiologist had ever seen, so big that they didn't fit into the containers and I had lots of extra scar tissue that showed I had been dealing with the for quite a while. And although this sounds really bad, and not just a little disgusting, it's given me hope.



Even though it's only been two days since my surgeries I feel better. Obviously not my throat which is incredibly gnarly right now, but just in general. Things don't seem so dim anymore. And I suppose that's not only just my tonsils but also reconciling with a good friend and trying to mend things that are broken. On top of that, this last semester wasn't all bad. I got straight A's for the first time since 8th grade and I will also be working an internship for San Diego Citybeat the next semester. I feel like I am finally getting over the hump in my life, I even came up with another idea for a story that won't be as dark and passionless as the one I had been working on.

This may be the last year I have, scratch that. This might be the last day I have. After getting the wake up call after my surgery I've decided to again live like everything could be snatched away from me at any instant. So I guess that would be my new years resolution, to grab life by the balls and embrace every second of it. It'll be hard but if you don't try then you will always wonder what if. I am going to try harder to get over my emotional distance that I keep from everybody and try to create a year I can look back on and say, that was it. That was the best year I've ever had. I hope the world doesn't end but if it does, I want to make sure I've sucked as much marrow out of life as I could. I hope if you are reading this you can do it too. I hope you find whatever makes you truly happy and capture it. I wish that for you, happy new years everybody. Let's make this a good one.