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August 05, 2011

Home is Where My Heart Is

Here's a song that I like a lot for you to listen to my stupid ranting:




So to be honest, I'm nervous about going back. I guess I always kind of am. But this one especially. I've been gone pretty much since January (three days during spring break doesn't really count) and it's the longest time I've been away. And the time that has passed has changed me in a way I can't really explain. I've definitely grown up a lot but not in an orthodox way I think (then again that's probably what everyone thinks), I've become kind of jaded and angular in a way that seems to rub close-minded people wrong. If it is even possible I've become more blunt than I once was and I think the fact that I've embraced the concept of being a writer has something to do with it. I've realized that eventually people are going to see me bleed my heart out in one way or another so I've decided to not care if people don't like it when I tell them what I think.

Who am I to say this? Why do I think I'm special? How did I possibly get so egotistical? Are all legitimate questions and are what you should be asking yourself. Really I don't have the answer to any of them, I don't know why I think I can be different and step out of line and say things truthfully and not tell lies ever and not play games. But it's just kindve been how I always have been. Bad skin and a stressful living situation (again who doesn't have these) has made me sympathize with humanity and realize that everyone is beautiful in their own way. Some people are a little more rough around the edges than others due to environment and upbringing but essentially if you treat people kindly and with respect everyone should be able to get along with everyone. Too much attention from teachers since first grade has probably inflated my ego to unreasonable limits. I was never the smartest, the funniest, the most athletic, the most good looking and I am still not. However I have begun to think I'm pretty badass and clever enough to make people laugh and I guess that's good to have confidence but my mother keeps telling me to be modest but I don't know how much use there is in that. I am who I am, I have always been this way, there are multiple facets to my personality and some shine through more often than others but I am essentially the same. I guess just a bit more wild is all.

So yeah, I'm nervous. If you're reading this then you possibly care about me at least a little so it'd be nice to see you, probably. Unless you are creepy and stalking me... In which case... I dunno, get a hobby or something. But for everyone else, I hope to see all your purty faces and who knows? Possibly do a bit of drinking (APPLE JUICE), maybe cause a bit of a ruckus (WITHIN LEGAL LIMITS OF COURSE), and just have a good time (YEP). When I go home I'm not really looking for drama or trouble but with a few things I feel like it may be unavoidable. And there are reasons for it.

The first one is that I am entirely unreasonable. I'm stubborn, thick skulled, and way too honest for my own good. I have no filter. What flies out of my mouth I generally mean, and generally don't take back. Even when I write, I mean all this. I've likely thought about it. A lot. The way I am acting flippant is in itself an act that has been thought through. I'm kindve sortve an adult now. I've been living on my own for quite a few months now and now I'm pretty strong willed and have spent a lot of time philosophizing right and wrong and now we will have to talk about my lifestyle and I'm not sure that will be entirely pleasant for any party involved. It's probably for the best but truth be told I may have to sleep at a friend's house for a night or two. Besides the whole getting fired thing I've generally handled everything that's come across me. And the things I've messed up on I have taken responsibility for and fixed. This seems to be what successful adults do, so hopefully that will become clear in these conversations.

Here's another one that I may or may not sing sometime very soon:

The second reason is that in addition to being entirely unreasonable, I am an incredibly passionate individual. I am not ashamed to admit it, I am a hopeless romantic. I am well aware of my feelings most of the time. I can't control them and I can't control what they are going to make me do, or even when they are going to make me do it. If you (you) are reading this then you know who this is about, if you (someone else) is close to me then you will likely know who this is about, but if you (stalker, stranger, random acquaintance) don't then don't worry about it. It's likely better that you don't but anyways. I am nervous. I've done many stupid things in the past and for some reason I feel like it is time to do something rash. Nothing illegal or creepy or dangerous or anything like that. But rather something ridiculous, something ill- advised but hopefully something that will make you smile. If not when I do it then, hopefully sometime later. If never, then I mean. At least I tried. I am not trying to woo or seduce I am really just doing this because what's left of this beating, bloody mess in my chest is telling me that it's a good idea. Even though it's not. I know it's not. It's just kind of what I have to do. And that makes me nervous, because this is either nearing the end or the beginning and I need to know which so I can live my life. I just hope you give me that chance, that's really it.

But I mean despite those two things, everything should go pretty swimmingly in ol' Sack. Although I'm nervous, I really want to go back. I want to see the river, my dog, my dog at the river, my dog getting filthy at the river and then going swimming with me. Essentially I really really miss Sadie. Possibly more than anyone else but all you mofos from high school come in at a close second. Sooo be ready, I'm likely going to be looking to rage (RESPONSIBLY) and I may be throwing a pool party (SOBER) or something one of the days so I'm looking forward to seeing you guys and seeing how your lives have been going because I miss the shit out of all you guys. I truly truly mean that.

So I guess I'll leave you with this: because, well. It's ridiculous. And I love you guys. Which is ridiculous. And I want you all to touch me O_O cuz I believe in a thing called love ;)

2 comments:

  1. chill with the fucking run-on sentences. and the new setup reminds me of myspace. angry enough? no? being anonymous makes me want to be inappropriately outrageous. You should incite comment wars =]

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  2. the concept of a run on is silly. I doubt you are reading this out loud, but this is really just how I talk haha. I really should pause more but I usually don't. I will take it under advisement haha

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