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August 30, 2011

Moving Forward

I'm pretty excited about my life right now. I mean there have been a few moments of doubt but looking back at this summer and looking forward, I'm exactly where I want to be right now. It's been a rough but interesting couple of months. I lost my amazing job, got arrested, got into fights with friends, had to confront the past, and turn around and explain it all as well as myself to my parents. It was hard, but I got through it. For every rough patch there's another smooth one coming up. I mean yes, I've had to give up on the one girl I've ever been in love with. It was sad realizing that you just have to pick up the pieces and move on, but I have a lot of hope because of it. This is the first time I've truly felt single since maybe 8th grade. It's stupid to say that but feelings generally are, but it's a good one. Yes I got fired from my awesome job and yeah when it happened it threw me for a loop. I've never been fired and I loved that job, I loved everyone I worked with but it happened for a reason. I've begun to believe in fate, that in a world where literally anything could happen, when certain things do, when certain people come into your life you have to take advantage of it, because the chances are pretty astronomical that they do. Had I never met my friend Hutton in a creative writing class I wouldn't know my group of friends that I have now, I wouldn't have met my roommate, I'm not even sure I would even be in State right now. And if I hadn't struck up conversation while looking devilishly handsome in a courthouse for being arrested I would have never met Alisa and never have gotten involved with Philanthro which is the philanthropic organization I am now a part of.

It's all just very strange, life, I guess. But it's truly growing on me. I'm going out of my way to talk to strangers, pretty girls in my classes, acquaintances because I have no idea where that'll take me. I am trying to put my hands in as many pies as I possibly can (kind've a grotesque and disturbing image I know). Currently I am applying for two tutoring jobs, a job at the Koala (180 from the DA which should be pretty hilarious), a job at KCR the local radio station, a job at an online music magazine and I am continuing to work for Philanthro. In addition to that I am taking really interesting classes (two lit classes from awesome teachers that I've had before, a bible as lit class, and intro to electro acoustic music) and I'm actually going to give this a shot. By this, I mean being a good student, because I truly want to do well, in life I guess. This is really the time to do it so I am going to do it. Even on a personal level I have projects I am working on, a novella that is turning out pretty well for once, I am trying to record music with the access that I get through my music class, I am trying to join a band, and I am possibly trying to start up a music website. I mean it sounds like a lot but it all feels manageable, I'll definitely be busy.

Because of the busyness I will have to make certain cuts to my lifestyle. Summer has really been pretty ridiculous. Literally non-stop drinking (APPLE JUICE), picking up women and essentially just living like a heathen. Which is good, because I truly believe everything in moderation (including moderation) but truthfully it's gotten kind of old. I like drinking, I like drinking a lot, but I'm just not getting much out of it anymore. I've quit smoking (TOBACCO) for the most part so I feel like lumping drinking in with it will only be a positive thing. I have so much on my plate right now, I can't really afford to be hungover and only have half the day to work with. Also because I'm pretty poor and do not want to have to limp back to Sacramento again because I'm out of money. Along with the drinking I need to get rid of the one night stands, I'm just not getting anything out of it anymore. This one will likely be the hardest to get rid of because for so long it was just looking for that one moment, that one instant where you forget how truly alone you are and you are able to just for an instant get past it. But I've begun to think that that one instant is too short and I want, and I deserve something more than that. To my core I'm a romantic that is just trying to find someone to be happy with, so I'd like a nice girl. I know that seems out of character if you know me in person and you have heard me swagger around and act like an ass but that's all an act and I'd like someone to be able to get to know the actor rather than just be part of the show if that makes sense and it isn't too horribly egotistical to say.

But yeah I feel like this semester will be different and I want to really tear it up mostly because I know I have the capacity to do so. It's about time that I stop talking about what a badass I am and start acting like one. So Imma get my nerd on, my music on, my writing on, and I'll try to fill you guys all in as it progresses :)

August 24, 2011

The Best CD I've Ever Made

This is the best CD I've ever made. And I will never be able to give it to the person I made it for. I've made a bunch of CDs but this is definitively the best. I just hope you like it.


The CD starts with this one. Once upon a time a boy and a girl couldn't date but always talked about cutting school and going to the beach together. It's hard to love someone who is far away.


Catchiest song in the world. 3 part harmony on the chorus lyrics like "I hit the sidewalk/ And this is how it starts/ hide in a raincoat when things are falling apart Everything seems to be falling apart, but somehow there's still beauty in this complicated, shitty thing we call life.


If you don't smile while listening to this song you've never been in love. Shit, I'm smiling and I am hurting more than I ever have. It's in scrubs. 3 of these are from Scrubs, which would make sense as JD and I are pretty much the same person. How many times can you possibly say and do stupid things and have them still work? There's apparently a limit and I've reached it. But I can still listen to this song and smile at the good times. Hammock under the tree in the summertime, long walks in dark hallways. Times when things just work, when things weren't stressful, weren't shitty, were just fun and simple. I miss that.


Yes this song is on the best CD I've ever made. It's hilarious, blatantly sexual but just fun. I realize that this one differs sharply from all the other ones but I guess I just thought of this girl singing these ridiculous lyrics while driving around in my shitty exploder and it just made me laugh. It's a great song and iunno, fun. Sorry if it's inappropriate but I guess I'm slightly inappropriate.


This song is gorgeous. It was kind've a gamble putting it in here because I really have no idea how you feel about electronic music but this is one of my all time top favorite songs. It's about being in love, a real kind of love. Not a fairy tale, story book fantasy but one with flaws, one that even uses the term "fucking.""You said I'm broken / Happiness / Is a bore" sad but sometimes true, especially in this situation. But it's so real and the crescendo destroys me every single time "So let's stay in / let the sofa be our car / Let's stay in / Let the T.V be our stars / I've found my dancing shoes and they don't fit / All the bright lights, all they do is bore me." They do. I'm sick of the parties, the booze, the one night stands, all I want is to sit on a couch and watch bullshit T.V with you.

BTW if you are creeping on this or if it is actually you. You should listen to all the songs in their entirety, they are all really good and the CD is meant to be played the entire way through. Otherwise you just get to the depressing songs too fast and you miss out on silly R. Kelly songs.


I had to put a Blink song on here. You knew me when they were all I listened to, when I still had innocence, didn't drink, smoke, and still believed that things could work out if you care about the other person enough. It's depressing to say but I'm so completely jaded, I don't really care anymore. I don't care if Tom Delonge uses the term "Yed" to explain his problems. This was on your myspace, and I never asked you about it, sometimes I wish I would have.


Such a beautiful song. Short and stunning. A raspy voice explaining in a minute and a half about how the only thing that truly gives him joy is something he can't ever be a part of. This song really touches me in a way I can't really describe, I just think it's beautiful, I hope you do too.


I don't care how cliche, overplayed or cheesy this song is, I love it. It's simple, it's brilliant. I always think of you as gravity, something unchanging, unwavering, something that keeps me from settling for something that I may be really happy with for something that is intangible. It's sadder when thought of this way, but hey. I don't think you came into this thinking this blog entry was going to be a happy one.


I don't know how much Bon Iver you listen to but this one is just stunning. It may have been in Twilight, but I don't care. It captures that loneliness and that feeling you have when you are finally with someone who truly gets you. It paints such a vivid picture. It's just a good song.


Sooo you know this one. I'm not a huge fan of musicals but truthfully I've always liked this song, perhaps not when it's all over done and ridiculous but when it's understated and beautiful it's striking. It just makes me wish I could have given you this CD instead of posting music videos, this one would have been a surprise and I just think you would have liked this. But things don't happen like that I guess.


I wasn't sure if you'd like this one either. But it's my favorite band. I used to really not like The National, the monotonous voice really turned me off but somehow the music just slowly creeps in and builds and builds until you end up at a National show 3 rows from the front crying like a baby. "Everything I love gets lost in the drawers." I somehow lost all the notes that you wrote me, I think I threw them away at one point or another. Probably for the best anyway.


Yeah The Smiths. I am enough of a hopeless romantic to buy into lyrics like this: "see the life I've had / can make a good man bad." It's interesting to look back at the thing as a whole and try to find the point where it changed. I think what it was, was that I realized how serious my feelings were at a time when I should have just had fun and not worried about it. I'm just too blunt, too honest, and too sure that I could die at literally any instance for me to hold anything back really. It's a problem, obviously.


I know I've put this song into another CD I've made you but I felt compelled to add it. It's in Scrubs and you know precisely what scene it is from. I didn't want the fast version but it was the one I found on youtube and it has Olivia Wilde in it, so why not? The song still gets me even though I have heard it so many times. I guess I'll always kind of see it like your song. Even though it isn't a very happy one. I was originally going to end on this one but I decided against it, instead I picked this one:


I wanted to end with hope. I hope you'll some day come around. I guess that it was that hope has really been the thing that has destroyed me for so long, so it's where I wanted to end this. I don't know if you will ever read this, and that's okay. I just wanted to make this a blog, so if you ever do want to read this you can. But I'm finally moving on, I'm finally feeling like I can do it. It's been a really really long time but it's time it happened. I think there will always be a piece of me that will hold out and that's the innocent part. With the house by the beach and a golden retriever, where things end perfectly and happily. It's yours, and I think it always will be but that can't be the future I have any more but I will fight tooth and nail for something like it.

So here in the end, I want to say thank you. Although it has been trying and terrible, it has made me into a stronger person because of it. I now know what I want and I will be trying to find it. I hope to find someone someday who can look past all the other blogs I will post about politics, and society and revolution and see the kid who wanted so badly to fall in love but got everything he ever asked for. It's a sad ending but that's how it goes sometimes. Goodbye.

August 18, 2011

Outsidelands (Part 3 of 3)


I'm exhausted so I'm going to sum up Sunday in the easiest way possible. Beirut was beautiful and Arcade Fire was revolutionary. That sounds stupid and I know it does, but that's all I can say. I didn't wear a dress, I didn't freak out and have a breakdown. I just saw really really good music being played. I don't think I'm going to post songs on this one because I don't really feel like I have to. Beirut is world music, arranged in a way that is so pure and so simply beautiful that there is literally no other way to describe it when it is being played for you live. It reminds you of the girl you're not going to see again. It's like watching fireworks explode on the Fourth of July, it's like standing on a cliff overlooking the ocean, and it's like looking out over endless mountains. As beautiful as it is, as powerful as it is, it just reminds you of the fact that you are tiny and insignificant but more than that. It reminds you that you are alone. You drink whiskey and talk bullshit with friends but that scene will stick with you and that's the way that Beirut's set was for me. It was reminiscent of The National at Coachella. Just pure, honest, brilliant and beautiful music written by people who love too much. It's sad but it's real and that's how life is I guess. Rainbows can't exist without the rain and I think that's how most things that are beautiful and true come into being. Bon Iver's new album sucks because he's happy and things are working out in his life, he doesn't have to go to a cabin in the winter to shout out all the pain that he had to deal with. Justin Vernon can be paid to go into a studio and sing falsetto and people will still buy it. It isn't his fault that things are working out in his life, it's just hard to create beautiful things when your life is as beautiful as it can be. Whereas when you are miserable you can craft these intricate little fantasies that may not be real, they may just be little lies, but they let you hold on to hope. The hope may be hopeless, and romance may be dead but I can't change who I am or what I feel and that's really all I have to say on the subject.

Arcade Fire just wrapped the festival up in a nice bow. People come together to participate in something revolutionary. Although we live in a time and age where people are so shackled by labels and titles, people can come together and embrace something positive. I just hope that's enough in this day and age. Yeah there are divides between electro, rock, hip hop, funk etc. I just hope we can one day realize that it's all just expression. Whether it's a rock concert, a novel or a love letter, it's all just people trying to reason out unreasonable things. Art stems from emotion and a deep human need to try and fix what's wrong, what's making us unhappy. And when you get to the point where it's just the loneliness that's killing you, or an environment, or a lack of food, you have to do something irrational to let people know that you are still here goddamn it. You are still here sounding your barbaric yawp, singing songs that may have been written by someone else but they are still for you, you sing songs for yourself and not anybody else.

So yeah I am going to keep doing this. I don't know if it's right or wrong, if anybody will even bother to read it. And I am going to keep writing, and playing music and being honest. That's just who I am, I have an insatiable need to continue to reinvent myself, to continue to change and grow and to continue to pretend like what I am writing is actually making anybody think, and that's just because I have to. I don't mean to sound angry but sometimes I am. I don't mean to sound crazy but sometimes I am. I don't mean to sound depressed but sometimes I am. All I've realized through my 2 decades on the planet is that I am not special, everyone feels the same things that I do, the only difference is that I don't care if people don't like it. I'm hopped up on misguided confidence and I'm not going to be stopping anytime soon. I just hope some of you will enjoy the ride.

August 15, 2011

Outsidelands (Part 1 of 3)

Of course I had to do this. I think I did a pretty decent article on Coachella so I guess I am going to try and repeat the magic haha. If you don't want to read it, don't. It's likely going to be pretty personal, pretty explicit and pretty damn long. But if you are coming to read about what bands you saw and whether or not I agree, that's not at all what this about. This is merely my story of the last 3 days and nights of my life and you can deal with that or you cant. I will break it up by the days like I did last time so you guys can skip to certain parts and I will post songs in between so ya'll have some tunes to listen to while you read :) blogs are so damn cool.


If Friday taught me anything, it's that living a rock and roll lifestyle isn't just a day trip. It isn't something you do for a vacation, it isn't something you do because you couldn't think of anything better and it looked fun at the time. Sorry, no. Sometimes you realize how awesome of a power a bunch of people coming together to check out an art form (a revolutionary one at that) and it scares you. It frightened me quite a bit on the first day but it was good for me. You can't have the night without the day, there is no good without evil (so it must be good to be evil sometimes...if you understand this song reference, well done) so I am glad I was able to experience the whole thing instead of just the happy parts. But enough jibber-jabber, essentially it was just cold and gray.

I realize that that is not a very good description and at this point, I'm assuming you're listening to this nasally weak sounding and honestly a bit effeminate voice. This is clap your hands say yeah, they're fucking amazing. Not because of the voice, not because their music s revolutionary or shit, cool. Because it's really not, it's about more than that. It's about a band with a singer who stumbles over the words and mumbles over the words until you reach the crescendo and the entire audience who have just been mumbling along scream "alright" until you realize that we all are. And at that point you are hooked.

SF was cold and rainy but I have never felt as warm and alive as I was at clap your hands say yeah. The roomie and I were waiting for the show to start feeling a bit funky (because that's just kind've what happens at festivals I'm sorry to say ;) but neways we were waiting and I got bored and happened to have balloons in my bag. Now in SF, especially on a day where there is literally no sun and only a small hipster band is playing, people have their guards up. People have to prove that they aren't hipsters and the band with the nasally voice is actually good. Well that's all well and fine until a kid from SD in a gray thermal starts shooting balloons at you while laughing harder than someone should. This fact seems to escape people but blowing balloons up and letting them go is pretty hilarious, they make fart noises and well, fart noises are funny. So needless to say the above band started playing and me, the roomie and the 20 people around us took our shoes off, put our bags in a pile and danced like lunatics in fat circles.

Screaming songs like this ^ because when a kid lets go of a balloon and it makes fart noises you realize just how hilarious life is and just how stupid it is to care about how you look in front of a bunch of strangers. And how heavy metal is just kinda silly in general as when you get a bunch of strangers to dance like silly idiots while screaming you're doing the same damn thing. Although this video doesn't really do the song justice, live the bass is crazy and the singer mumbles when he should and screams when he should. Anyways, it was completely brilliant, but then things started getting a bit rough.

Big Boi apparently was not a Big Boi and didn't show up for his set, roomie and I waited for him to come on but it just didn't happen for an hour. And after walking around it just seemed like Phish was the only band playing (they had a 4+ hour set) and truth be told, I just didn't want to see Phish. I mean I understand Phish, I get it, I get the appeal I get that they are groovy, talented, fun, everything that a lot of people look for in music, it just isn't really what I wanted to see at the time. I was kind've up for some Big Boi and Erykah Badu, something a bit out of my comfort zone, I was up for a surprise so when the stage had issues or whatever I got one. People got upset and in the gray cold people just aren't as friendly. Which when you are feeling funky kind've sucks.

I have problems with conspiracy theories, I don't know why I think that I am special at all, why anyone would go through the effort to abduct me, or kill me or whatever so I don't know why everytime things start going a little south I automatically think that it's a trap. But when you jam a massive amount of people in an old river bed to see the shins who start singing about fish drowning, and the only band that is playing is Phish (god symbol, damn english major) and you happen to be an atheist, you start thinking, well. It could start pouring, people could stampede and well, that would just end poorly. So ya, I freaked out a little bit.

For those who don't know, insanity is a very strange sensation. Everything that's blowing through your mind at a million miles a minute is completely rational but that only manages to freak you out even more. You begin to question rationality itself and you realize that it's just an expectation of events that have happened in the past. But there is still that possibility, that possibility that you will face your mortality. And even though it's small, even though it's only a sliver of a chance you have no rationality to conquer that what if. And honestly that's terrifying.

But that's totally fine because the next day was absolutely mindblowingly incredible. But my parents are pestering me about my getting fired which you can read about on this blog as well, but ya, to be continued...

August 05, 2011

Home is Where My Heart Is

Here's a song that I like a lot for you to listen to my stupid ranting:

So to be honest, I'm nervous about going back. I guess I always kind of am. But this one especially. I've been gone pretty much since January (three days during spring break doesn't really count) and it's the longest time I've been away. And the time that has passed has changed me in a way I can't really explain. I've definitely grown up a lot but not in an orthodox way I think (then again that's probably what everyone thinks), I've become kind of jaded and angular in a way that seems to rub close-minded people wrong. If it is even possible I've become more blunt than I once was and I think the fact that I've embraced the concept of being a writer has something to do with it. I've realized that eventually people are going to see me bleed my heart out in one way or another so I've decided to not care if people don't like it when I tell them what I think.

Who am I to say this? Why do I think I'm special? How did I possibly get so egotistical? Are all legitimate questions and are what you should be asking yourself. Really I don't have the answer to any of them, I don't know why I think I can be different and step out of line and say things truthfully and not tell lies ever and not play games. But it's just kindve been how I always have been. Bad skin and a stressful living situation (again who doesn't have these) has made me sympathize with humanity and realize that everyone is beautiful in their own way. Some people are a little more rough around the edges than others due to environment and upbringing but essentially if you treat people kindly and with respect everyone should be able to get along with everyone. Too much attention from teachers since first grade has probably inflated my ego to unreasonable limits. I was never the smartest, the funniest, the most athletic, the most good looking and I am still not. However I have begun to think I'm pretty badass and clever enough to make people laugh and I guess that's good to have confidence but my mother keeps telling me to be modest but I don't know how much use there is in that. I am who I am, I have always been this way, there are multiple facets to my personality and some shine through more often than others but I am essentially the same. I guess just a bit more wild is all.

So yeah, I'm nervous. If you're reading this then you possibly care about me at least a little so it'd be nice to see you, probably. Unless you are creepy and stalking me... In which case... I dunno, get a hobby or something. But for everyone else, I hope to see all your purty faces and who knows? Possibly do a bit of drinking (APPLE JUICE), maybe cause a bit of a ruckus (WITHIN LEGAL LIMITS OF COURSE), and just have a good time (YEP). When I go home I'm not really looking for drama or trouble but with a few things I feel like it may be unavoidable. And there are reasons for it.

The first one is that I am entirely unreasonable. I'm stubborn, thick skulled, and way too honest for my own good. I have no filter. What flies out of my mouth I generally mean, and generally don't take back. Even when I write, I mean all this. I've likely thought about it. A lot. The way I am acting flippant is in itself an act that has been thought through. I'm kindve sortve an adult now. I've been living on my own for quite a few months now and now I'm pretty strong willed and have spent a lot of time philosophizing right and wrong and now we will have to talk about my lifestyle and I'm not sure that will be entirely pleasant for any party involved. It's probably for the best but truth be told I may have to sleep at a friend's house for a night or two. Besides the whole getting fired thing I've generally handled everything that's come across me. And the things I've messed up on I have taken responsibility for and fixed. This seems to be what successful adults do, so hopefully that will become clear in these conversations.

Here's another one that I may or may not sing sometime very soon:

The second reason is that in addition to being entirely unreasonable, I am an incredibly passionate individual. I am not ashamed to admit it, I am a hopeless romantic. I am well aware of my feelings most of the time. I can't control them and I can't control what they are going to make me do, or even when they are going to make me do it. If you (you) are reading this then you know who this is about, if you (someone else) is close to me then you will likely know who this is about, but if you (stalker, stranger, random acquaintance) don't then don't worry about it. It's likely better that you don't but anyways. I am nervous. I've done many stupid things in the past and for some reason I feel like it is time to do something rash. Nothing illegal or creepy or dangerous or anything like that. But rather something ridiculous, something ill- advised but hopefully something that will make you smile. If not when I do it then, hopefully sometime later. If never, then I mean. At least I tried. I am not trying to woo or seduce I am really just doing this because what's left of this beating, bloody mess in my chest is telling me that it's a good idea. Even though it's not. I know it's not. It's just kind of what I have to do. And that makes me nervous, because this is either nearing the end or the beginning and I need to know which so I can live my life. I just hope you give me that chance, that's really it.

But I mean despite those two things, everything should go pretty swimmingly in ol' Sack. Although I'm nervous, I really want to go back. I want to see the river, my dog, my dog at the river, my dog getting filthy at the river and then going swimming with me. Essentially I really really miss Sadie. Possibly more than anyone else but all you mofos from high school come in at a close second. Sooo be ready, I'm likely going to be looking to rage (RESPONSIBLY) and I may be throwing a pool party (SOBER) or something one of the days so I'm looking forward to seeing you guys and seeing how your lives have been going because I miss the shit out of all you guys. I truly truly mean that.

So I guess I'll leave you with this: because, well. It's ridiculous. And I love you guys. Which is ridiculous. And I want you all to touch me O_O cuz I believe in a thing called love ;)

August 02, 2011

Oh My God

So now that the unpleasant subject of my termination has been vented to death I'd like to start a format or something of a pattern for these blogs. I listen to pretty much all kinds of music but today I would like to talk to you about a pretty punk rock band (woman, singer, artist, person) Ida Maria:

If you haven't heard this song yet then you are completely missing out. The amount of angst and spitting hatred that this woman expels from her body is incredible. With a short 3 minute song Ida Maria rails against the one unmistakeable evil that is responsible for the death of way too many men and women throughout history, and I think you know what I'm talking about. Boredom. Boredom and conformity and spending your life standing in line until you literally just can't take it anymore and until you lash out violently with what you are really passionate about. With Ida Maria it's her voice, with me it's my writing. It's my venting. If you haven't noticed yet through my various social media whoring the only real way I feel better about issues in my life is by screaming them at the infinite empty void of the internet until I feel that at least a few people know where I am coming from. And that's exactly what this song is about, the scream towards the end of it is the perfect cathartic ending to a song where nearly every lyric is so biting and perfect. "You think I'm in control? Oh my god, oh you think it's all for fun" is the damn chorus.

So yes punk rock. I realize that Ida Maria can't really be compared to like Minor Threat or the Circle Jerks or people of that sort but that same sort of emotion is still there. Anti-establishment but more than anti-establishment it's really just anti-bull shit. I mean if you haven't gone to a punk show I would recommend it. I would recommend dressing up in the most badass clothes you have, crafting the perfect punk sneer and then going balls deep into a shouting, screaming match against shitty distorted guitars playing power chords, a guttural yell, and the drum beat that sounds like a machine gun. Skank your balls off in a mosh pit (figuratively of course) wrap your arms around some sweaty complete strangers and shout out the words before pushing them into a mosh pit and laughing as you pick them up off the floor and run cackling in a circle.

For people who don't know punk or hardcore or any music like that. The screaming, yelling style of vocals aren't meant to be pointed at you the listener. Like Ida Maria it's just a scream at the complacent boring people around you that are just going to keep wasting their lives in order to get a few more dollars so they can buy a few more things that they really don't need. These are the people that need to be shouted at and these are the people that have never been nor would ever have interest in going to a punk show. But those are the ones that could benefit the most from it. My favorite punk band right now is Titus Andronicus, a hyper verbose punk band from New Jersey with the lead singer rocking a beard that would give Chuck Norris a hard-on. I saw them at Coachella and being able to scream "YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A LOSER" with a hundred people that I will never see again is something that has really changed my life. It's more than just shitty power chords, its about playing simple songs so your friends can learn the words and shout them back at you so you can send a message to the corporate slave machine that you aren't going to fucking take it anymore. It's about saying what needs to be said in a context that it needs to be said in. I got fired because I brought this mentality to a white collar cubicle type atmosphere. And to be honest maybe it was for the best. But neways if you are interested in Teetus here's a pretty sick song by them, if you can make it til 4 minutes, you will be thankful you did:

There's a right and a wrong. And it's still us against them >:)